Mom

The Facts…

Mom went into emergency on Friday,Oct 17th. They determined her heart was beating too slowly…medication could keep her heart from racing but a pace maker would have to be put in to keep her heart from “stopping”

Sunday evening they put in a pace maker.

She was in the hospital until Saturday so that they could mess with her medications and be sure everything was functioning properly

It’s not unusual for me to get a phone call from home with disturbing news and yet I never get adjusted to it. I’m usually calm and matter-of-fact …when faced with bad news some people react emotionally…I prefer reason and logic….I want to know the when’s, what’s and wherefore’s….I suspect I sound cold and uncaring but I prefer to process all the information without dwelling on any the of terrifying possibilities that come to mind. And regardless of events…there’s nothing I can do. I wonder how I’m perceived by my family thousands of miles away. I wonder if they know that I pray…a lot….that I can’t sit down and relax because then I think too much…that I want to give into panic and fear and cry my eyes out but it would serve no purpose so I just keep busy. I wonder if I should catch the first plane north…I weigh all my options…the cost, the convenience, the predictions, the need I feel, the need they feel. If I were independently rich, well, no doubt I’d drop everything and be on my way…but I have a job and I’m not wealthy in terms of cold hard cash

The control freak in me wants to be there…taking care of details, talking to doctors, fixing non-existing problems. I want to make jokes and tell funny stories to help relieve some of the stress for others.

But I’m thousands of miles away…running errands, cleaning or cooking…probably cooking because it has to be really bad for me to clean, ha!

Eventually someone will call. I try to exercise patience and understanding. They don’t have the type of cell phone plans that allow them to call from wherever they are….and they don’t spend money carelessly….I understand that but it’s difficult knowing they’re all getting information as it happens and I’ll get a phone call when it’s all over. If I dwell on it I get frustrated and angry…so I keep busy, stay calm, pray and wait.

I try to be nice on the phone…not to betray how scared I am, not to add to their stress by demanding attention…in my heart I know they’re doing their best….yet I wonder if they even have the tiniest comprehension of how it is to be on this side….I expect they wonder if I have the tiniest comprehension of what it’s like to be on their side, ha

Some day I know I’ll get the phone call letting me know there’s nothing more to worry about…that I just need to come home to say those final goodbyes…and when that call comes I’ll deal with it…it’s not like we have a lot of options, ha….but you can’t plan for that day and think it will make any difference at all….it will be what it will be and in that day, that hour God will provide all that I need.

For now…well, mom is recovering. I pray a lot, think of her and Dad often and wonder what I can do to brighten their day or make their life easier. I am not there to cook a meal or go over and do a couple of loads of laundry. I can’t rent DVD’s or work on a jigsaw puzzle over cookies and hot chocolate. I call, I send emails and care packages…well, I will if I ever get to the post office, ha….I can even send the occasional bouquet of flowers…but I can’t be there and I can’t stop wanting to control everyone who is. And yet I know that this feeling will pass…that suddenly days will go by and I realize I haven’t called. The phone will ring and I won’t feel sick with dread….that all will return to normal and be good.

And for now I’m blessed to still have my parents with us…oh they’re older, patched up, threadbare in parts. They rattle when they walk from all the pills, they groan and creak a bit more than they used to and they’re a little frail in body but certainly not in spirit. As I age, and feel it, I can’t help but be aware that we’re all aging. So I’ m grateful for the good days….and there is still a lot of those…I love you mom. I love you Dad. Thank you for leading me to God and helping me to be the person I am. I am sorry I’m not close by but I am so glad that I know God watches over you and you are in His safe keeping….and that even if the only thing I have to offer is a prayer….I also know it’s the only thing that can actually make a difference….isn’t that amazing?....